21 Hilarious Tweets That Ain’t Exactly Intellectual

1.

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

2.

Here is a list of things that are invisible:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)

3.

Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.

4.

[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying "p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches" over and over?

5.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

7.

me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid
crowd: [laughing]
dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy

8.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

9.

Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

10.

I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.

11.

Dentist- "You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard." Me- "On the dance floor?" Dentist- "No. What are you talking about?"

12.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

13.

which is why i begin my sentences in the middle

14.

big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck

15.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It's Cold

16.

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

17.

*texting*

sister: grandma passed away..

me: sadface.gif

me: did that load

18.

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

19.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

20.

WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad

21.

I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
πŸ–

🐷

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